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29.12.06
I think I should resurrect this blog.
I don't feel like talking about the things that I did before. Things have changed.
1. I am now 20 years old.
2. I live in Los Angeles.
That's about it.
Posted at 05:51 am by lyndxe
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2.7.05
Don't look at me that way
Who lives in planned communities, anyway? Suburbanite families with riding lawnmowers and church on Sunday.
I used to be your friend, and you used to like me. We used to make each other laugh and smile. You are through with me and I'm through with you. This is no way to live. I try, and all I get is complete offence. Am I just this way? Do you still love me? I know you do. But you don't like me. I don't like you. You can't stand up for anything or make any decisions. I can't be trusted and I annoy you. Roll your eyes and look away, ignore me, or snap at me. Call me dramatic, sarcastic, unpleasant. I know of whom you speak. You know of whom I speak.
Working is like dying. I give myself a way, piece by piece until there is nothing left. There is nothing to salvage, and no one there worth staying for. I will disappear one day and you will all wonder where I went. Will you be sorry? Or will I be sorry?
I'm leaving with or without you. It's all a matter of time.
Posted at 03:37 pm by lyndxe
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29.6.05
I've got a new blog... not as cool as this one yet, but still, one should check it out if they're interested in finding out as to what exactly I'm up to. Don't abandon this one, at least not yet, as I plan to update it more when I can scrape together a little more time.
Click here to visit my new blog
In case you missed that, the address for future reference is:
http://www.myspace.com/lyndxe
Posted at 04:51 pm by lyndxe
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4.5.05
No one cares about my ways...
Still around, just haven't updated in almost three months. Will update more in depth again later.
I saw Weezer in concert, their second date on the "Make Believe" tour in Seattle. I just purchased the new Nine Inch Nails album "With Teeth." These things are both very awesome.
I've decided I want to persue a career in music journalism, and my life hasn't really changed all that much, except in every which way imaginable.
I write these stupid words...
Posted at 12:24 pm by lyndxe
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22.2.05
A dreamer; someone completely out of touch with reality
Well that is that and this is this...
I don't really know what to say anymore. I've almost maintained this blog for a year; I've created and lost friendships through this online space; I've feared the worst and come through with the best. I've lived my life and I've shared it with everyone whom should stop by through chance. You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you what you get.
I had to think a while.
I still work at the theatre. I finally got a new car. It's a 1999 Mazda Protege. Hopefully I won't be so careless as to wreck this one, too. I'm suicidal, and it's wonderful. I won't follow through with any of it, but it's all so romantic to envision taking my own life. I haven't mutilated or cut my wrists in a week and a half, which I suppose is "healthy." Is it any better to keep it inside, though? I regularly draw myself a bath now and lay in it and cry while looking at the ceiling. I keep thinking of Cecilia in The Virgin Suicides. I can identify.
Doctor: What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets.
Cecilia Lisbon: Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a thirteen year old girl.
Or an eighteen year old girl for that matter.
My wrists are itching for a blade in them, to feel the fine burning line and watching the crimson slowly rush to the surface in small dots until they create a horizontal formation on the white milkiness of my wrists. I don't want the attention. I want to be left alone. I want to be noticed. Don't leave me here by myself. What is going on? I know, I never question anymore. I just assume failure is lurking around the corner.
I am ridiculous for ever having any dreams or hope. I can see a million ways for it to fail, and only far fetched ways for it to work. Fuck Edison and his, "I have not failed, I have only found 10,000 ways which will not work." It all fell apart.
I wasted life, why wouldn't I waste death?
Just talk to me, and hold me, breathe down my neck, rest your head on my lap.
Also, Son of the Mask? More like Son of the PIECE OF SHIT FRANCHISE THAT IS DEAD, SO GET OVER IT AND STOP TRYING TO RELIVE A FLUKE 1994 BOX OFFICE HIT. My sincerest apologies to the families of those individuals who were actually waiting for this release andto the families of those individuals who were shockingly amused by it. We've all made poor choices or known those who have. And remember: you can't choose your relatives. You can only choose to ostracize yourself from them. Personally, I choose to ostracize myself from the entire human race. Even if I do let you in, I'll do my damndest to shut you out again.
What lingered after them was not life, but the most trivial list of mundane facts: a clock ticking on a wall, a room dim at noon, and the outrageousness of a human being thinking only of herself.
Posted at 08:07 pm by lyndxe
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21.1.05
My head is filled with disease
I'm back to (somewhat) regulated entries. Though there has been a torrent of flames as of recent, I will continue to post blogs.
a reminder
(you'll soon see what i mean)
I'm surprised you haven't figured it out, yet. Broken.
Things that are TOTALLY retarded: The "director's cut" alternate ending of " The Butterfly Effect." You've never seen horrible film until you've seen this. The theatrical version was bad enough, and just when you thought it couldn't get any worse - oh, believe me - it does. The inutero main character "Evan" proceeds to strangle himself with his own umbilical cord as he is being born. For the love of God. I hope the writer and director never find work again.
Interpol is playing in Seattle soon, which is great. I'm definitely looking forward to that.
Down in it. The select British shows of NIN sold out within 20 minutes of opening for ticket sales. I'm basically in love with Trent Reznor. I can't wait until tickets start to go on sale for the US tour dates. I can't wait until I find out anything more about it, either. I really don't know who I am, in this world of piss.
Tonight, I'm going to preview " In Good Company" since we are finally getting it out in the valley. I love my job. Basically, I work all the time, but basically I love what I do, so it's all wonderful. This isn't permanent by any means, but it is something to get me by until I leave this God forsaken desolate womb.
Dome. 12:51. I need you to hold on to.
why am i seething with this animosity?
i think you owe me a great big apology
i'm on my hands & knees
i want so much to believe
Posted at 03:24 pm by lyndxe
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14.1.05
If I could fix myself, I would, but it's too late for me
I haven't updated recently because I haven't had much to say. I'm working a fricking ton... for the past three weeks I've been scheduled to work at least 45 hours per week. I love what I do though, and I love the people I'm with. I'm still unhappy. I still cut myself. I still cry at night, and go crazy during the day when I feel so overwhelmed. But somehow, I've found solice in this place. We're in this together, now
NIN is rumoured to start touring again - I'm incredibly excited. I want to watch it go down.
So basically my blog is where people enjoy taking out their rage. It's where I enjoy taking out my rage. Take the skin and peel it back, now doesn't that make you feel better?
Twenty-six fricking comments? Do you people really have nothing better to do with your time than to psycho analyze stories, tales, factual tellings, etc. that I randomly post online? Obviously not. Take it with a grain of salt. I stand behind everything I've ever written. I just pity the masses that insist upon picking at a wound to make it fester. Frankly, I'm bored of this. I won't read those comments - I've heard enough about what they pertain to. It should hurt me, but it doesn't. The truth is I just don't give a shit anymore. I am entirely too busy with my life to deal with whatever bullshit you people can conjur up. By all means, comment, flame, harrass, etc. to this post as well. It just proves even more so how worthless and unhappy you are with yourselves to continue to try and bother me. The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.
I get my peace of mind from where it matters most - this all should be bothering me, but it doesn't. Please continue, I enjoy the attention. I'll continue to post whatever and whenever I feel like doing so - your "comments" aren't reaching anyone, and they definitely aren't deterring me. I'd rather die than give you control. You're so vain - I bet you think this post is about you, don't you?
i hurt myself today, to see if I still feel
nothing can stop me now, I just don't care anymore
bow down before the one you serve - you're going to get what you deserve
Posted at 04:44 pm by lyndxe
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19.12.04
That is that, and this is this
Okay, so here's an awesome entry! Have you all been eagerly awaiting it? Nothing much and everything is new.
I have to go to work in about 5 hours (told you not much was new), and work, as always is just as it was. I can shutdown projectors now, which is awesome. I am always scheduled for frickin' concessions, though. Buy a god damn combo, bitch. What is it? Two large drinks and a large popcorn, plus you get a free bag of M&Ms, and we'll give you free refills on the drinks and popcorn. Bitch. I enjoy work for the most part, it's just slightly tiring. I've just had two days off, and I can't believe it. It doesn't feel like it, and I just wasted my time sleeping and screwing around, anyway. Productivity: none. I still need to get enrolled in school. Once I'm going to college full time again and working also full time, I won't have time for anything. Except sitting around and sleeping.
Well, let's move on to other things. The concert. More specifically, the Deck the Hall Ball. AMAZING. Front row in GA. Lowell and I were totally kicking it together. That's right... bloggers unite. Casey was also there. It was great.
We all stood in the rain for about 3 hours, waiting with proverbial bells on for this kick-ass concert. The line-up, if you don't recall, is as follows:
Snow Patrol
Keane
The Shins
The Killers
Franz Ferdinand
Modest Mouse
Basically, the best line-up EVER. I'm glad I was in the front row for basically all of it, save the last band, Modest Mouse. I'll do a chronological breakdown of the concert, starting with first band playing, and finishing with my review of the last.
Snow Patrol was good, I enjoyed their music.
Keane... what can I say? Fisrt of all, I love them. Secondly, THE PIANO MAN!!!!! Holy crap, he was like a ninja with a piano. He basically flipped out and killed the keys. I've never seen anyone so passionate about such a bulky and plain instrument. I'm in love, it's true. Lowell wants him, too, but that's just too damn bad. He's mine. I would've killed for the sweat rag he "accidentally" spazzed out on that went flying out into the audience. I thought sure he was going to go postal and smash his synthesizer.
The Shins were good, too.
The Killers. Frickin' crap. SO GOOD. "Somebody Told Me" is so awesome live, as is "Mr. Brightside" and every other damn song they play. They were amazing. I began to lust after the lead singer, since it'd been an entire set since I'd seen piano man. Not that I could ever forget him. We had something special. Who couldn't be attracted to the Killers in their matching red velour suits? I'm sorry. I'm in love.
Franz Ferdinand. You had me at "Michael." I can't even explain the awesomeness that exhuded from them. This is what I am, I am a fan, so come and play in Spokane. Bring the Killers and the piano guy from Keane with you, too. I swear, that guy is a one man show. I would pay to see him spazz out again on his keyboard.
I'm not a huge MM fan. They're good, and consistent, but they DO get old after a while. I guess the fact that the lead singer is basically a schizophrenic is sort of redeeming on the whole, but still, they get on my nerves. Lowell and I ducked out at the end to get some water, thus losing our premium front row pit standing spots, and being forced to sit in the nosebleed section to watch their set. It was worth it, though. I'd much rather enjoy them sitting down without five billion horny 19 year olds crammed up against my body (I know you tried, Lowell, but they still were all around me).
Okay, so after all that, I got home, and the first thing I did was total my car on December 10. My brakes just DIDN'T work, and I went flying through a red light and t-boned a BRAND NEW guy's Toyota Tacoma. He'd literally just bought it a few days ago. Basically, I screwed up my face big time thanks to the air bag, but I didn't kill anyone, I just dented his car, but totalled my own. Oh, and I didn't have insurance... but actually, it's all okay. I know things will work out, I'm not even the least bit upset about it, for the most part. My face has almost entirely healed, but I don't have a car anymore. I'm relying on rides from my close friends, and I hate being a burden. Supposedly, next month I will get a new car. And this time, insurance.
Work is great. I work a closing shift on Christmas Eve, and an opening shift on Christmas Day which I think is great. I'll spend my time at the place where I spend most of my time. I want to close down projectors on Christmas Eve. I like closing down projectors. It's nice up in the booth after shoving combos down customers' throats for hours on end. Did I mention I HATE concessions?
Coming soon... The Scissor Sisters concert! Aaron and I will be attending together. It remains to be seen who will be more effeminate.
Posted at 08:33 am by lyndxe
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3.12.04
Wasting my non-existent time
Scar tissue that I wish you saw.
I'm having adware and spyware issues on my computer. I get about 5 billion pop ups and download inquiries every 2 minutes. Everyone is asking for a new update. Enjoy. I'm too tired to formulate anything mildly entertaining.
I'll be the first to admit that Casey schooled me at Metroid on the DS. Maybe if I had no life outside of work, I'd be able to devote 5,000 hours a day to learning how to control Samus in morph ball mode. Or at least figure out how to jump.
Work is still existing. I'm still alive, but only barely. I can't think ahead to tomorrow, much less my future ife goals. Life is so confusing, I despise it. Misanthropic beasts are usually the most intelligent of creatures. I'm terribly homesick for New Zealand. I'm terribly homesick for many things. I forsaw this happening.
I downloaded a ton of ringontes for my phone. We're not talking crappy monophonic. We're not talking inferior and lame polyphonic... we're talking real tones. Mp3 files that are ringtones. Franz Ferdinand, Muse, Keane, and Hives... you're all singing for my phone, now. Tell me your number and what ringtone you want, and I'll assign it to you on my phone.
Some examples:
(none)
I hope you found that informative. Mr. Spainard is now a manager. I am not alone.
It's becoming serious. The great blog wars of 2004. It all began with one SUPERFLUOUS entry...
Lowell's blog is awesome, Casey's blog causes epilepsy in young children (arguably his entire goal for even having an online blog), and Aaron's blog is so new, that we're taking bets on how many hours it will last. I'm in for 72 hours.
Posted at 10:43 pm by lyndxe
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30.11.04
That statement is so charged.
This won't be a long entry, seeing as how I have almost no time for anything but sleep, work, and screwing around.
I'm dead set on keeping my insecurities around - I can't let them go and realize my full potential, because no matter what, I will ALWAYS try and be perfect, which is honestly one of my biggest flaws.
Taryn called me on of the sweetest girls she'd ever known. Me? Sweet? No. Never. She also complimented me on being so awesome in other areas as well... I don't know what she was on.
I can't wait for Christmas. I need to go shopping. I was going to skip it again, but then I guess I found out that Taryn's mom bought me something for Christmas. So now I'm obligated there. Mostly I can't wait for Christmas because I can't wait to work it and get paid extra. Also, I can't wait for it to be over. Hey, hey, hey on Christmas Day!
You believed in all your lies, didn't you? I did. I can't believe I thought this job was going to be fairly easy. Or at least something I could mildly figure out. I don't know what you all see in me - but it's BS. I'm not worth it, and this is killing me. Ostrom, McGovern, Taryn, and Henson can all talk about how famously I'm doing amongst themselves, but I know the truth. I know what I really am. I like that I get along with everyone, though. There isn't one manager I clash with negatively.
You let me violate you. Haelan and Jesse are over. I drive around to run away from myself. I listen to Nine Inch Nails. I like to shop. I like to dress up for work. I wear my tanktops under everything. Sandberg points red laser lights in between Ostrom's eyes.
Let's go.
Posted at 01:38 am by lyndxe
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